The Beginning That Should Have Happened Long Ago

2010-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

After 10 years of suffering, I'm going to be starting my recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder in two weeks when I return to my university.

For my own interest, I'll be trying to write daily about what happens in my day to track my moods and thoughts. Hopefully this will help with getting better and help my campus therapist with what steps I should take.

I'm going to start with what happened today on my 20th birthday.

Woke up feeling like my birthday will be a disaster since my previous birthdays have always been unpleasant.

Around 10:30 in the morning, my boyfriend's cousin and his on and off girlfriend visited the beach house to say their goodbyes. I was very relieved since the whole time his girlfriend was there, I was comparing myself to her and it was making me miserable.

After they finally left, my boyfriend (let's call him, D) and his friend who was staying with us for a few days got in the car to drive him back home.

Two and an half hours later, we arrive at the friend's house. D and him decided to work out which woke up the monster inside my head. The thoughts starting pouring in...
"Today is my birthday, why is he working out with his friend?",
"Why doesn't he care about me enough to not work out with him?".
"I'm not important enough."
"No one cares about my birthday."
And after that the suicidal thoughts kicked in which I won't get in to.

But by the time D noticed that something was wrong, I was so overemotional I had to keep my words to a minimal so that I didn't end up having a breakdown. With all the effort I had, I told him that I didn't want to be there anymore. He understood and we left about 20 minutes later.

I ended up feeling bad for making him leave sooner since his friend is leaving for college the next day and won't be seeing him for quite awhile. That's when my usual solution kicked in when I feel like I wronged my boyfriend. I try and make love to him so that I can keep him happy. My mind tells me that I have to do this or else he'll end up leaving me.

Well that idea turned into a disaster. I was still emotionally unstable from before that I ended up breaking down crying during the moment because I felt like he wasn't all that into it. And I kept thinking that, "Oh god, he must think that this is awful."

He noticed and stopped and then I ended up having the inevitable breakdown. He got completely frustrated with me at that point and I don't blame him since he's been dealing with this for almost two years now. But him being frustrated only made it worse. Then that's when my self-hating thoughts kicked, followed by suicidal. If he hadn't pulled me into my chest then I would have ended up going to the bathroom to cut myself again.

After about an hour of my emotional mess, the monster inside my head went dormant and I could finally think clearly again.

So we ended up driving back to the shore house and his family that I'm staying with treated me to ice cream for my birthday. As sad as this sounds but that was the best birthday I've had so far. But the rest of the night was followed with in and out thoughts of paranoia that D is sick and tired of me.

Now all I want to do is sleep to just end this day but I will try and commit to this. It's something that I need to do.

Well, see ya.

Two Steps Forward, Five Steps Back

The Beginning That Should Have Happened Long Ago